I’m sitting here and I’m actually debating in my head on whether or not I should write down how I’m feeling in this present moment. Mainly because the internet is a permanent kind of place and I don’t want to have myself regretting what I’ve put out there. And yet I also feel it’s important to not always put up a brave face and make like the instagram pics are all our life is about. (Not that I’m an avid instagrammer, but you know what I mean) So bear with me as I try and describe what a day like today feels like without being too explicit or exposing my bare soul to the black hole of the internet.
Being a family that is walking a lifestyle of literally trusting God for everything, isn’t as hunky dory as we’d love it to be. God isn’t a genie in a bottle waiting for us to make our wishes and then He’ll just “poof”, make them happen. He’s pretty much like the Personal Trainer you absolutely love to hate. It’s through the hard stuff that you grow the most and grit your teeth through and then at the end of the day feel fantastic about your growth as a person. Then you go right back into it the next day.
I hope that made sense.
So, how do I put this…… whenever something is about to shift in our relationship as a couple, or in ministry with my hubby (be it speaking somewhere, having a conference to run or a big project to complete) or when a season for our kids is important – we suddenly get SLAMMED with unnecessary “issues”. Now, like many things with God, nothing is cookie cut – so you can’t expect the same lesson to come around twice or have the same challenge face you the same way.
And yet at the same time, we also have to acknowledge that there’s a spiritual aspect to our lives and that part of our world is forever active. So, as I look at the last few days I’ve had – I look at them through two lenses at the same time. 1 – God is allowing the challenge to happen for my personal growth and continued trust in Him. 2 – We’re also fighting against attacks from our spiritual enemy that distract from the main focus point of where we’re headed.
Ok, with that laid out I’m also going to be vague so that no one feels like they need to swoop in and help or rescue us from where we’re at – so it could be anything. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I want you to understand the “feeling” and not feed off any situations we go through.
So, like I said before something is about to shift in our lives, we get SLAMMED. The few days before something amazing is going to happen, we have one of the following “issues” hit us as a family (if it was all of them at once, then I’d probably be hiding somewhere trying to escape it all)
- Our marriage takes a knock. We either miscommunicate a lot, become distant, misunderstand each other, complain (that’s me), become frustrated, complacent, insensitive, hormones (me again), harsh etc The list could go on because it involves two people that are responding to a hard time and our unique reactions to them.
- The kids just become unnecessarily disobedient, whiney, needy, clingy, cheeky, rude, selfish, spiteful etc. Also another list that could go on. Understand that when I say unnecessarily, I’m meaning that all of these things are fairly normal and fine in small doses but when it hits you all at once and like, all day – it’s hard. Really hard to deal with. It’s often enough to make you want to curl up in a ball and just cry because it’s so hard (remember the gym trainer analogy – when it’s too hard – you just want to cry)
- Our finances take a massive SMACK from left field and it puts immense pressure on how we approach our days. There’s fuel, food, cleaning stuff and other needs that the kids have. This gets hard, because we’ve made the step to live by faith but when your kid asks you what’s for supper and you honestly don’t know – it’s enough to throw your fists up in the air and say, “where are you God?!!” But one thing I’ve learned about this one is that the more you stress, the more your focus shifts. The bible is clear about worrying, and as much as it may sound irresponsible to some – we have had the most amazing “breakthrough” moments that only God could have provided for. And our kids get to witness it and get to see how real our God is in our lives. But, it’s not easy and it’s taxing emotionally to have to walk this out a lot of the time.
- Outward relationships start to become very blurry. I say this because situations arise in our personal or couple friendships where slander, gossip and misunderstood situations arise and become really big issues that would normally be sorted out with a quick, loving confrontation. (I’m normally the source of a few of these because I have a big mouth) But, just before something big – it makes everything blurry and emotional – which makes everything become really tiring and stressful if we don’t deal with it properly. And more often than not, it catches us by surprise.
So take any one of those and have it repeat itself over three or four days and you’ve got my kind of tired right now. I’d love to know what you guys would do if you were in either one of these situations. That way when I come out of my funk this time, we can compare notes and learn from each other.
Please share your comments and thoughts a little further down on my blog. Thanks for reading and being a part of our journey.